Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
